Classies, glossies & the thrifty myth

I have a problem.

OK, so I have this little addiction to bridal magazines. But I think I’m allowed to as I am in that percentile that is socially allowed to purchase them in public.

 I did buy one once without society’s golden ticket to purchasing them legitimately.

 I actually bought it for a university assignment I was writing on ‘reading’ the wedding dress as a signifier of culture. And those signifiers were very pretty.

 I grabbed the mag – and a copy of The Bulletin (when it was in circulation) to even out the chi.

 Got to the counter, pulled out a crisp couple of $20’s and thought about buying one of those rolled up horoscope scrolls when the shop assistant said ‘Oh my god, congratulations, when’s The Big Day?’

Me: ‘Say what?’

Shop assistant: ‘Your wedding day?’ (Flopping around the bridal mag for added emphasis)

Me:  ‘Oh! Um, April’

 My brain screamed at me. What the hell did I just say? And what made it worse was that I said it without skipping a beat.

 Shop assistant: ‘May I see your ring?’

Me: ‘It’s getting re-sized’

 CRIKEY O’REILLY… this lying was coming to me easier than I realised.

 It dawned on me that this magazine, unless bought under legitimate circumstances, runs the risk of me spewing lies.

 Why couldn’t I just tell the truth?

 Because she was a stranger and I wanted to sound exciting. 

I wasn’t exciting at all.

 In fact, at the time I was a mature-aged uni student that, for fun on a Saturday night, would fire up my dial-up internet connection and head to chatrooms and banter on Windows Messenger drinking my friend in the fridge, a dry white boxed wine.

 It was just easier to lie than face the mortification of ‘hey everyone, look at this sad-arse buying a BRIDAL magazine and she doesn’t even have a BOYFRIEND, lets all point and laugh!’

 I’ve never been back to that newsagency since.  That magazine might as well have been the filthiest German porn mag ever and I was convinced I had been put on some kind of ‘list’ to warn other shop assistants of my closeted obsession.

 Let’s get away from those dark days….

 Now I buy bridal mags for ‘legitimate’ reasons. I need to know stuff. Like themes. And photobooths. And expensive honeymoons in Bora Bora.

 However, the interest has taken a little left turn.

 I am finding myself reading the underbelly of weddings.

 Gumtree classifieds.

 ‘Wedding gown for sale: never worn’ has to be one of the saddest and seductive sentences I’ve ever read.

 Right now, it’s my crack. 

 Crackifieds.

 I don’t see them as advertising. I see them as stories. And it upsets me so much that The Sunday Times’ free section has almost shrivelled into nothingness… but this is where those desperate sellers have congregated with their bric a brac, old pavers (you pick up), trampolines without the safety nets (remember those?) and wedding dresses.

 Some worn once, many not at all.

 I did a quick scan of the wedding items that were for sale around Australia this week.

 I have not changed any of the wording.

 When you just can’t be bothered – Off White in colour size 22 only been worn once still in dress bag. Hasn’t been dry cleaned. Will consider offers



 When lower-case will just never do – NEVER WORN, BROUGHT FOR A WEDDING THAT NEVER EVENTUATED………… THANK GOD! RINGS NEED A GOOD CLEAN SO FAR I HAVENT GOTTEN AROUND TO DOING THIS. I FORGET WHAT SIZE THEY ARE BUT IF I GET TO JEWELLERS I WILL GET THEM SIZED AND POST ON HERE. 


Image

This guy has obviously seen The Bone Collector – he’s popped the rings next to a $2 coin so you get the idea of the ring size.

 Why am I thinking this is a guy?



 Optimistic – never been worn before but has good karma!



Not optimistic – Bridal business – Urgent sale! Valued at $100,000 plus, established over 20 years in current location and award winning reputation. All offers $10,000 or more will be considered. 



 Don’t ask questions – I’m selling my new wedding dress that I was not able to wear for personal reasons, its never been worn and is in perfect condition. I would like it gone asap please.

 It’s a thrifty wedding-makers dream out there and that is totally all I am hearing in my overpriced glossies.

 My understanding, reading these mags, is that weddings are at polar opposites – The Swarovski drowned, blinged-out, Hum-Vee, twelve bridesmaids special, or a cheap and cheerful gathering.

 But the wedding industry isn’t going to let you off the hook yet.

 Like Dolly Parton said, ‘it takes a lot of money to look this cheap’, the same goes for the thrifty wedding.

 Those washed-out country-style weddings reek of Martha Stewart. There is an entire website and magazine called ‘Martha Stewart weddings’ that the ‘thrifty’ wedding is pretty much all they peddle.

 I don’t know how you save money cobbling together a Martha Stewart-esque wedding but I can’t. I am not up to making my own, well, anything.  I have a fulltime job, no sewing room and can lose the will to live over frivolous things rather easily.

One tiny example of this.

 There is a jar that was patented by John Mason, a tinsmith in 1858. It was for food preservation. Over the past 12 months, the Mason Jar is now one of the most sought-after items in the decoration of weddings.

 What was a necessity back in the 1800s, is now a really expensive prop for weddings.

 Needless to say I have been a little sucked into the Mason Jar trend. They do look pretty….

 But I really don’t mean to vilify anyone who has a hot pink Hummer organised or is wearing a secondhand dress (a big part of my dress is being re-used from another pre-worn dress).

 As everyone says, sigh remember what the day is really about…

 It’s true, and it’s also why I am choosing to not have the following…

  • Bridal party
  • Bridal cars
  • After-ceremony photoshoot
  • Professional bouquets
  • Bonboneire

 But I choose to have the following…

  • A husband
  • Great photos
  • Great booze
  • And two pairs of shoes, kitten heels to start and some jiffies for dancing in.

 So if you want to save some cash, and be truly thrifty, there’s always the crackifieds. Even if it’s for a perve.

 Me?

 Those rings do sound like a bargain, must go measure my other ring against a $2 coin to see if I’m a shoo-in.

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