The big test

So. I found this pre-marital test online.

I have however, forgotten where – when I’ve gone back to cite where I got it… well, I nearly cried at the thought of trawling through my history to find it. The fact is, it’s not the whole thing – the original ‘test’ that was posted to a forum, was very close to about 200 questions. I have saved me you the grief of…. well, going through 200 pre-marital questions, so I’ve knocked it down to the more interesting, probing, thought-provoking ones.

The questions themselves have not been changed in any way, what you read is the original wording. I have also not changed any of The Mister’s answers. Unfortunately.

  • B – bride (me)
  • G – groom (The Mister)



 How do you both feel about finances? Does only one save and the other spend?

B – I feel very good about finances when I have them. The Mister seems very excited at the prospect of joining accounts.

G – I am in favour of finances. It is a nice word. Tri-syllabic, a c that sounds like an s, would give a decent score in scrabble…what’s not to like?

 Who is going to manage the money?

B – Whoever at the time has any.

G – That will be decided by a marathon game of post-wedding Monopoly, so long as I get to go the racing car.

 Who is going to be responsible for making sure that bills are paid on time?

B – The utility company themselves. They’re pretty good at those threatening reminder calls.

G – We don’t even know anyone named Bill, let alone so many that it would necessitate a plural.

 Are we both going to work?

B – If we have to, yes.

G – You’re a questionnaire. What possible employment could you garner? Besides, I thought this was about me and (the wry bride).

 How much could I spend on a purchase without needing consent from you?

B – I would say $50 before asking. But if it’s OUR money, I shouldn’t have to ask. Yeah, I just busted a hole right in that argument. Bam.

G – I’ll assume the “I” refers to (the wry bride) in this question. Any purchases above $20 using “Marital” money will need to go past the Monopoly treasurer. However, any money a partner earns “on the streets” remains the sole earnings of said partner.

Do you consider going to the movies and having a vacation every year a necessity or a luxury?

B –  I can imagine this conversation. ‘So, dunno, we only have enough money for Madagascar. Oh, sorry, I mean, Madagascar 3’.

G – The wording of this question is funny. It’s like they are linking spending $50 on going to the movies with the thousands of dollars one would spend on a holiday. I just don’t get it. Even the wording “necessity or a luxury” is absurd. “Yes, going to see a movie is a necessity. As is a vacation!” And does that mean we only get to go to the movies once a year? Perhaps we could go see a movie about a vacation.

 Do we both know where our important financial documents are located?

B – OK, ok…. ummmm… they are either in a shoebox or the bin.

G – I don’t even know where my passport is.

 Do you have any regular “guilty pleasures” (like buying Coach purses, gambling or Xbox games) that I need to know about?

B – Glasses cleaners, pens, iPhone covers, hair lackeys and Kan Tong simmer sauces. Nah, just kidding about the Kan Tong. I don’t gamble, but labeling it a ‘guilty pleasure’ might push me over the edge.

G – What the hell is a Coach purse and why would they be something you buy regularly? (Yes I could look it up on Google, but I guess I don’t care that much…)


 If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

B – LOL. That is all.

G – I’m not sure if anything I do can be classified as “work”.

 Do you have career plans that work well together or at some point will one of you need to make a sacrifice for the other, eg. if one of you wants to study full time.

B – Joining a government department is a better career plan than studying. It’s hard to get fired & by staying, year after year, you get slightly more money. Yay. He doesn’t need to study. I’ll talk him out of it. By the way, of course I will sacrifice something for you. You bring a first-born, I’ll bring an altar. It’s a date.

G – Do you mean a biblical, first-born-child-killing type sacrifice? If so, yes.

 Do we carry pagers or cell phones; if we have shift work does that impact our personal lives?

B – I carry a pager – only because 1987 calls quite often.

G – BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Pagers!! “Oh crap! (the wry bride)’s just paged me. I’ll have to send her a facsimile to let her know I’m busy.”


Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization? How are we going to divide up the household chores?

B – The Mister likes to be uber organised and super clean, so I will allow him to maintain that hobby forever.

G – If cleanliness is next to godliness, then you can call me Saint Easy-off Bam. (The wry bride) is more of a rat-worshipping heathen. That said, I think we have stuck a relatively happy medium. If I ever overstep the mark and start getting a little neurotic about it I’m sure (The wry bride) will let me know. Either that or I’ll wake up to find her injecting a syringe full of Toilet Duck Pine Fresh into a particularly prominent neck vein of mine.

 Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

B – We sometimes eat together. I used to like food shopping, but now it’s a drag. I have once paid the Mister to unpack and put away. He should’ve just done it for nothing.  We’re pretty good about sharing cooking and cleaning up afterwards, especially when The Mister does both.

G – (the wry bride) says it’s the food/cleaning fairy. Somewhat emasculating… though I do look good in those tights.

 Who is responsible for the food shopping?

B – Whoever cracks first after the last packet of Sakata’s are gone.

G – Is this like a secret test for dementia?

 How do you want to spend our days off?

B – I think The Mister might say something about a hot tub.

G – In a hot tub, surrounded by cheap floozies.

 What are our pet peeves? Does it bother you if the toilet paper is on “upside down” or are you usually completely out altogether? Do you leave the cap off your toothbrush, the toilet seat up, or the fridge door open? A practical premarital question: Can you handle another person – even one you love – in “your space”?

B – I get cabin-fever pretty quickly, so as long as he always has ‘cricket’ to go to, or ‘soccer’ to indulge, bring it on – it means I can secretly drink beer while watching shows about pawn shops and while on Twitter.

G – Does toothpaste still come with caps that unscrew? Don’t they all have those pop-on lids that remain connected to the body of the toothpaste? Living together in a 42sqm apartment for the last 12-18 months… yeah I can handle Pip “up in my grill”

 Who cleans the bathroom, does the laundry, vacuums, and maintains the lawn/garden? Who cooks the meals and does the dishes?

B – See, now,  there is this fairy that seems to swoop in after I go to work…Nah, really, I think that we have the old ‘you cooked, I’ll do the dishes’ scenario, but as we have to use a communal laundry, I just hate doing it as the creepy guy from the third floor usually hangs out there. But I do like using the Dyson. Sometimes. 

G – Same fairy mentioned earlier.


Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually?

B – Yes. Very comfortable. Oh, you mean with The Mister…?

G – Veeeery comfortable (yes, that’s as sleazy as it sounds)

Have you discussed premarital questions about the preferred time of day, number of times per week (or day), place, lights on or off?

B – Yes, there is an Excel spreadsheet around here somewhere with that information on there. It was meant to go in the aforementioned file called ‘important financial documents’.

G – Discussed it?!? I’m pretty sure we have an app for it.

 Can you comfortably discuss your intimate body parts and functions?

B – The Mister is really comfortable discussing this. Especially the functions.

G – I love this question. “Honey, I would like to discuss my intimate body parts. Not only that, but also their function.”

Would you be ok with not having sex if the other person couldn’t? Whether if it was for a few months or forever i.e.: paraplegic.

B – Absolutely. Get amongst it. Then you have to tell me about it. Reverse cuckolding.

G – No. But I’d just do things when you’re asleep. That’s kind of thoughtful right?!


Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

B – This question reminds me of my GP. Are you planning kids? When? Tick tock! You’re pushing your mid-30s! You might not be able to have them! Are you married? You should be married? Aren’t your friends having children? Does that not make you want them too? Why aren’t you feeling clucky? You should be!

G – Yes. And by god they will be good at sports so I can live vicariously through them. 

 How will having a child change the way we live now?  Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?  Have we considered how kids will affect our careers, lifestyle, recreation, privacy, social interests, money, and plans for the future?

B – We’re gonna need a bigger boat.  No really, if it happens, it happens and honestly I think whoever will be the primary caregiver will also have to do the housework in a boob-apron. 

G – No, it won’t change anything. I plan on being a negligent parent, or perhaps absent – either way.

 If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

B – Knowing our parents, they will think it would be a miracle if we had a child and we would drop it over to their respective places’ often so they can bask in the miracle first-hand while we head to the pub with our friends. For shiz.

G – Hopefully the parents can take care of the early bit with the kids – the tantrums, the nappies, the meals. That way the kids will be indebted to the grandparents and can look after them as they gently slide into a world of dementia – the tantrums, the nappies, the meals. I don’t want to have to deal with that shit.

 Do you both agree on how to discipline children?

B – Oooo, I’ve watched Nanny Jo Frost so I think we agree that words and naughty corners are the way to go. And a menacing wooden spoon or belt that will take pride of place in the ‘beatings room’.

G – Yes. With love, understanding, compassion, humility and electrodes to their private parts.


What do you like and dislike about each others family?

B – Well, most of them are gingers….

G – They’re obnoxious, uneducated, lack common decency and have poor bodily hygiene. What’s to like? And that’s just my family.


 Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have?

B – I have a feeling that one of our friends has slipped this question in. In that case, absolutely not on either front.

G – No. Once we are married I plan on dropping all our current friends and finding more suited ones. I envisage a much more right-wing group of friends that rant on about illegal immigrants, the mining tax and how Johnny Howard was the greatest Prime Minister – nay human being – ever to have graced this mighty and world-significant southern continent. Yep, can’t wait to get my Holden Maloo ute, slap on a “Love it or leave” sticker and shove my newly tattooed right arm out the driver’s side window.


Have you ever hit someone?

B – Yes. At an East 17 concert. And slapped a bloke at Paramount nightclub.

G – Yep, right in the ovaries. They hit me back. It hurt.


Do you feel your personalities are compatible? Some annoying things about your partner will change after marriage, the majority will not.

B – Oh, he’ll change alright.

G – Oh, She’ll change.

 What do you think we’ll be doing in thirty or forty years?

B – Living without any kind of diversity whatsoever in a ‘Lifestyle Village’.

G – Avoiding STIs in a lifestyle village.

Why are we getting married? Why am I asking this person to marry me? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness, need for sex, wanting children, getting away from mom/dad etc are some of the worst reasons to marry and getting married for the wrong reasons can quickly lead to feelings of disappointment, resentment and divorce.

B – I honestly thought it was for tax purposes.

G – We both despise the same things. A relationship built on hate.

 Do you have a criminal record?

B – I don’t think a criminal record, but the record does state that we got our permanent police record together at the same time. So romantic.

G – Yes. I pleaded guilty to stealing (the wry bride)’s heart. That and involuntary manslaughter.

 Do you think we will have problems with your family during the holidays?

B – I wouldn’t want to restrict it to just holiday time.

G – No, not especially. I think it will be an all-year thing.

 What do you like and dislike about your family?

B – LOL. So not answering this.

G – What is this? Facebook?

 What do you like and dislike about my family?

B – Ahhhh, no.

G – Like – the fact they’re illiterate. Dislike – everything else.

What do you like and dislike about your parents’ marriage?

B – He loves her but they wear too much white. 

G – The lamb was overcooked at the reception – I’ll never forgive them for that.

 What do you like and dislike about my parents’ marriage?

B – I like wine time but they clean too much.

G – I’d prefer if they were living in sin.

Do I handle compliments well?

B – Yes.

G – No. But you’re beautiful so I’ll forgive you.

If none of these options work out, call off the wedding – I kid you not, that was the last sentence.