Now that I have blogged all that grand gesture stuff out of my system, there is still some unfinished business.
Proposals. Like normal ones.
Or as one author puts it ‘The Last Decision You’ll Ever Make’ – har har har, he means hey guys, you now have your balls firmly in the grips of some Bridezilla – amirite? Har har har…
Gather ‘round. Lets talk about some of the ways you can dazzle your dame so she’ll have nothing to say but ‘yes’.
The First Place You Met
Great idea if you met in a gorgeous old library, football match or cinema.
Not so great if it was at 2am at the Elephant and Wheelbarrow, (barely) standing up against the in-house breathalyser while she rushed past you from the loos to the dancefloor upon hearing the opening bars of Mustang Sally.
Eiffel Tower proposal
The classic Frenchy proposal, in the most romantic and chic city in the world while feeling on top of the world.
The reality is, the Eiffel Tower is FULL OF TOURISTS. When I went to Paris, I flagged the idea of even escalating that monument. In my experience, it was not romantic at all. It was a cattle call.
However, there is a boulevard just outside the Louve that is very romantic, meandering and charming. Do it there.
With all the other 364 days to choose from…. I would prefer Christmas Day to VD.
I mean Valentine’s Day. Not VD. I mean anyone would prefer Christmas to getting a sexually transmitted infection.
But you might think an awkward, misguided proposal from someone you’re only lukewarm about is akin to contracting an STI, so who am I to judge…
On a boat
Just you and your love, on a boat. Gentle breeze, water lapping.
Proceed with caution – it’s an uncomfortable sail back to the jetty if they decline or are really sick. Or if you aren’t so sea-savvy and need emergency assistance from the Westpac chopper.
The hot air balloon
How romantic, up in the blue skies, usually at dawn, snuggled in that little basket with the best view on the planet.
Don’t forget lads, there will be at least another bloke up there with you controlling that fire blower thing. Bit awk.
Also, the fear factor of being up hundreds of metres up in an unfamiliar vessel. What you might think is a squeal of delight is really a shriek of terror and a maniacal need to ‘get down’.
The overnight proposal
Basically, you wait until your beloved falls asleep, then you slip the ring on their left-hand ring finger. They wake up, see the ring on their finger and smile beguilingly at you make sweet, sweet love all morning.
This has presumption and weirdness written all over it. If I woke up to find a rock on my marriage-indicator phalange I would be thinking a combination ‘how much did I drink last night?’ and ‘he is one spineless dude’ – or simply ‘oh bloody hell, how did this all happen, I missed it!’
The newest trend that seems to be happening in the US is for blokes to hire a paparazzo to take snapshots while they pop the question — without their partner knowing.
At first I was thinking ‘CREEPY’, then I found myself clicking through all these photos from American company ‘Pap the Question‘ and I have to say, try not to scroll through these galleries.
But Im glad mine aren’t in there. You would just see a guy that looks like he is about to throw up and a girl looking awkwardly at him mouthing the words ‘get up, you’re embarrassing me, what are you doing, are you drunk?’
Other completely real suggestions of proposals that I find hilariously odd
- Arrange a surprise proposal with a street caricaturist. Have him sketch a picture of you two with word bubbles saying, ‘Will you Marry Me?’ (I would only say yes if my caricature was on rollerskates or surfing and had a massive head and a tiny body).
- Gather friends and family for a party. Have everyone in attendance put on a T-shirt bearing one of the letters in the phrase ‘Will You Marry Me?’ When you walk in the room with your girlfriend, suggest a group picture and let the shirts speak for themselves.
- Make her feel like a movie star and set your proposal to the scene of her favourite romantic movie. You could arrange your own Pretty Woman moment – the finale, of course. (Of course! You don’t want her feeling like a prostitute! Or the molestation scene with the creepy Jason Alexander.)
- Write your proposal in sunscreen on your stomach, so that your tan will ‘stencil’ the words. Which is genius and reminds me of this scene in Police Academy 5.