It’s not you, it’s your goddam clothes

So, OK.

Just so you know, this was never to be a blog about fashion. Not exclusively anyway. I usually don’t look at other blogs that do a ‘weekly roundup’ of dresses or shoes or whatever.

But it seems my last post on sleeves got a couple of you requesting some solid examples of ‘plus-size gowns’.

First of all, *pulls out soapbox*, it’s a personal view that I call ‘plus sizes’, ‘petite sizes’, ‘tall sizes’ one thing. Sizes.

I believe that no matter what form you come in, you deserve an outfit that is realistic and comfortable, regardless of what the little ticket at the back of the garment’s neck says.

However, for some of us, the web can be an overwhelming place of too much choice, not enough choice or a ‘where the hell do I start?’.

Regardless of size, a lot of what is out there is effing hideous.

But if you’re looking for something a bit more plus-sized, your choices suddenly become breathtakingly petite.

You might as well wear a sheet with arm-holes in it, plonk a veil on your head and  look a zillion times better that some of the sacks of polyester that the wedding industry is peddling.

I know I may never fit into a size 8, the exact same way that a size 8 may never fill out a size 16.  Just because something fits, doesn’t always mean I should buy two of them. The same way that if I buy a bargain basement (read: non-returnable) L-sized Morrison burnt orange skirt  in an online sale isn’t such a bargain anymore when the waist only fits around one thigh.

(No I didn’t try it on, I had a momentary lapse in reality. No, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s still in my wardrobe. Mocking me. Jackass)

A couple of rules before I show you what I have found that I think are pretty damn fine.

Please don’t look at the model. Look at the dress and my notes on why the dress would work.

Please don’t look at the colour of the dress. I am talking about styles of dresses only. Like how my last post was specifically on sleeeeeeeeeves and sweet-ass cover ups to either shield you from a chill in the air or prying eyes on less-than-toned arms.

Get some fabulous understuffs. Now. Yes it’s awful to be measured and all that. But if you don’t, you might as well just wear the yellow pair of your ‘five days in Rio’ pack of undies. Some of you maybe totally down with that. But for my dress to fit properly, I need to prime it by wearing the good stuff.

Like The Seamstress says, ‘I don’t want the dress to do all the work, the underwear is meant to do that.

Stay away from shiny fabrics. They will highlight every single lump and bump on you. And they’re probably extremely flammable. A sure way of ending up either in hospital, or Funniest Home Videos.

Another note – when I designed my wedding gown, I am lucky enough that I saved (and saved and saved) to get one custom-built for me. If you can save (and save and save) I would highly recommend getting one made specifically for you. This way, I was able to say ‘I want that skirt, with that ribbon there and that bodice like that, with the keyhole lace and the blingy sleeves’ without sifting through gowns that weren’t quite right for me.

If you really can’t afford something bespoke, find a dress that is almost what you want and spend your time finding a super amazing dressmaker to alter it (the one-hour-or-its-free alterations kiosks in your local shopping centre don’t count).

If you’re REALLY on the brink of madness over all this, have a cup of tea, watch some Downton Abbey and start to look up some fashion students in your area. They might jump at the chance to rework a wedding gown. You never know, they might do it for free for the experience and for their folio. There is no harm in asking.

This is a super piece of advice for all brides, tall, short, broad-shouldered, hippy and boobalicious women everywhere – there isn’t anything wrong with you, it’s the clothes you’re wearing.

Welcome to the way I see clothes….please click on each image to see my notes…sorry the pics are really small…