The seductive deep bass line of wedding porn

*this has nothing to do with actual sexy party no-pants-dance porn, or this which is totes borderline.

……

So, OK, there comes a time when you just have to stop.

Stop looking at venues, invitations, dresses.

Yes, it’s a #firstworldproblem, but when do you know when enough is enough?

I was watching ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ last night (the gangster-themed wedding where the cake toppers were the bride and groom passed out from boozing. A memorable episode) and I found myself lusting after the dress that the bride picked – certainly not the one the groom picked and ultimately wore. No no no no no no….

The thing is, I became a bit fixated. My heart quickened. The notes and drawings of my yet-to-be-made dress flicked through my mind.

I did a crude mental comparison, not for any other reason than to make myself rule out ‘dress regret’.

In the cold light of the morning, the panic and fever had subsided.

They call it wedding porn for a reason.

It’s addictive, it’s consuming and it’s far from reality.

Once we’ve come down from the intoxicating high of wedding Pinterest boards, magazines, forums and blogs, what are we left with?

First we feel like ‘yeah, I’m going to have a vintage, modern, rustic, elegant, steampunk, shabby chic wedding’, then reality smacks you between the eyes (and hip pocket) – it’s not going to be good enough.

I went to sort out some ‘rice paper round market lantern-y thingos’ over the weekend.  Only to be told ‘Oh no, we call them Festoon Lanterns’ (Im so lucky to be taught the right thing to say from wedding stylists).

Anyway, being in a showroom that has everything set up and looking devastatingly awesome… I inquired about the chair covers with latte-coloured sashes.

I DON’T EVEN LIKE CHAIR COVERS WITH SASHES.

WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING ASKING ABOUT THEM?

Next thing I know, I’ve booked them.

WTF

It wasn’t until I got home and showed The Mister the quote that he broke my weird wedding fever.

  • The Mister – Chair covers… oh god, with sashes?
  • The Wry Bride – Um, yeah
  • The Mister  – But you didn’t want them…and we like the look of the exposed wooden chairs, right?
  • The Wry Bride – I thought it would look nice
  • The Mister – You’ve never thought that, what happened?
  • The Wry Bride – I think the girl played a Jedi mind trick on me
  • The Mister – I think you’ve played one on yourself.

I cancelled the chair covers.

Im the sort that likes to keep their options open, I panic when the point of no return has been crossed.

Like, my dress is in pattern/sack-like/calico form right now. But I saw Star Wars t-shirt material being used as bridesmaid dresses on another wedding blog site.

Photo – Miki Photography.co.uk

The fever was back.

I posted them on my Facebook, titled ‘There’s still time, there’s still time…’

But no, there really isn’t time to make major changes to the dress now. And besides, IM NOT HAVING BRIDESMAIDS SO WHY AM I LOOKING AT BRIDESMAIDS?

It’s a weird form of self-sabotagey behaviour, to torture yourself that your wedding/dress/chair covers/groom, won’t be in the ‘real life weddings’ section of Cosmo Bride.

Does it matter?

It’s sort of like the same reason why you probably won’t show up in the sealed section of some dopey men’s mag – it’s just not a realistic concept (unless you’re exactly what the editor is looking for…. and you know that editor if you know what I mean, wink, wink).

How many weddings are there in a year? About fifty gazillion*. And how many show up in blogs? About 2 per cent of that. How many show up in magazines? Less that that.

*these numbers are not official

Was your Nan’s wedding in the 1963 Bride Living magazine? No! What? How scandalous! Her wedding was clearly a complete waste of time! Tsk tsk!

See how dumb that sounds?

I think Im actually starting to feel a little melancholy about deleting my wedding bookmarks, paying final deposits and cancelling chair covers.

But that’s just it. Don’t be melancholy, be relieved. No matter what people or articles say, it’s really stressful putting on a wedding. And if you’ve come this far, bloody bravo.

The best bit?

This is like the little calm before it all ramps back up again – my invites are about to go out.  Well, I’ve had some issues with the printers, so when the printers sort their shit out, the invites will go out.

So stop looking at all the wedding porn and thinking that everyone else is having a kick-ass wedding but you.

And if you’re still all mopey about it, go talk to your gay friends who can’t get married. They’ll snap you out of it.

And hey, secretly, this is where the the real fun begins.

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