Conversation dos and don’ts – a neurotic’s guide

Try not to ask me ‘how are the wedding preparations going?’

Ahhhh, wedding small talk. Like ‘how’s work?’ or ‘how’s the house going?’ of the bridal world. I’m really not trying to be unappreciative of the gesture, just trying to save you from the equally as vague sing-songy answer of ‘gooooood’.

In fact, the more specific the question, the better.  I could talk for half an hour about tablecloths.

Do ask me about the honeymoon

We’re both super-pumped for heading off only three days after the wedding and both of us seem to take a relaxed edge when talking about it. Also, it gives us a chance to talk about you too, about your latest travels or time off work. Travel tips are totally welcome.

Don’t ask if The Mister will shave his beard off

He won’t. This is my instruction. He looks like the ultimate fox with is slightly ginger love-bristles.

Try not to suggest brand new ideas now

We are only slightly more than 4 weeks out. So unless you have just found out that The Mister is somehow connected to the Milat family, it’s not going to be much help to us. Mum tried to bring up the number of tables the other day and I just couldn’t process it. While the easy-going part of me says ‘another table, yeah no worries’, the surprising little detail-nut inside me says ‘we don’t have the extra things for another centrepiece and it was hard enough getting 8 fluffy, rouched tablecloths. Getting a ninth is out of the question’. An extra table isn’t literally another table.

Do ask The Mister questions

We’ve been pretty democratic about splitting the organising and he has been super enthusiastic about the whole shebang. I often wonder about these guys that just ‘show up on the day’, he has had some of the most brilliant ideas (I mean most of them we’re not having, but involving dinosaurs has stuck). Also, ask him about when the hell he is going to organise his suit.

Don’t move things from where they belong

*this is specifically a message for The Mister

Don’t ask me how much the wedding is costing

Not because it’s not only outrageously rude but I literally don’t know. So unless you’re going to chip in, keep this one under your hat.

Don’t ask me if I’m nervous

Externally, I can ooze confidence. It’s acting. It’s an illusion. Internally, I am a socially awkward teenager that doesn’t let herself off the hook for anything. The more I think about standing in front of all those people, the more I want to throw up. I have a trick that normally works which is taking my glasses off to talk to groups of people or whatever, it makes everything look fuzzier and less real. But I’m in line for some contacts soon, so I might not be able to rely on this schtick.

Which is partly why The Mister is walking down the ‘aisle’ with me. I will be convinced that everyone will be staring at him instead.

Don’t expect me to be excited about everything all the time

Take the invites for example. Considering the shit I went through to get them finished, I could’ve easily dumped them into File 13 as gleefully as I dumped them into the postbox. They look amazing, but I’m completely over them. White festoon lanterns, bunting and even the music is being met with a quiet ‘meh’.

Please try to not challenge me or The Mister on our choices

Chances are that we’ve already had a heated discussion about it already and the decision made is probably a tough compromise. It can really cause more heartache than it’s worth.

Don’t keep saying ‘it doesn’t really matter, it’s just you two that matter’

You know what? If I got married tomorrow, in a tent, in a swampy field, I’d be completely sublime. I want to marry this guy, he wants to marry me and we’re so lucky as we have some friends who legally can’t. I have not forgotten this.

The thing is, we’re also planning a formal cocktail and dinner party. Saying ‘what matters is you two being married’ while begs me to respond with a ‘derrrrr’, it also makes me feel that celebrating my friends and family with a fabulously fun party with delicious food and pumping tunes shouldn’t be important too. It is to me. In fact, there is SO much stuff that doesn’t matter to me I am already forgoing, like a bridal party.

Don’t think all I want to talk about is the wedding

In fact, now is the time that I want to suck all the information out of you and not talk about me. I want to know who’s been pissing you off at work, what book you’re reading, what new little café opened up near you and how awesome their sandwiches and coffee is. I want to know how your parents are doing, what your kids are up to, the last time you had too much wine or what band you managed to catch. Tell me about your painful break-up or that phone call you got from the hospital. Tellllllll me about what season of Breaking Bad you’re up to and if you’re peaking as much as me about the new season of Homeland that’s starting this Sunday…. Yesssssssss….. these are the things I want to talk about.