Bridezilla? She’s got nothin’ on The Newlydread

So we learned a couple of weeks ago that you can’t kill a White Walker with a sword.

For the non-Thrones watchers among us, it’s the same as trying to kill a werewolf with a block of cheese (unless of course it’s lactose intolerant).

These cretins need something more specific, like a silver bullet, a stake in the heart or a shard of dragon glass.

But there are some villains that, like superbugs, have outsmarted the antibiotic.

Take brides, for example.

There’s the Bridechilla. From the moment the sparkler hugs its left ring finger life-partner, she kicks back and celebrates by cranking out her first wedding themed board on Pinterest and changing her relationship status on Facebook.

Then you have your classic cray-cray Bridezilla. At least with the Bridezilla, the madness is time-sensitive.

While she’s in her micro-managing bad behaviour conniption – demanding everything from bridesmaids sign contracts to not put on weight or that any holiday, illness, emergency, family death or occurrence of every day life until the Big Day must now be approved by her – you grin and bear the out-of-character belligerence (and unbelievable focus on sourcing burlap and Mason jars) because we know that that very same day is also the use-by date.

However, sometimes the sun simply going down on the Big Day isn’t enough to kill off the Bridezilla.

In this era of 24-hour connectivity, where there’s a smartphone in every pocket, a Facebook status update in every encounter a photo or video of some kind uploaded to Instagram, Snapchat, Vine or Tumblr – the Bridezilla is the least of our (First World) problems.

What we have now, is The Honeymoonster – or as I call it – The Newlydread.

The difference is that while the Bridezilla wants to manage the wedding as an event, The Newlydread wants to manage the way the wedding, and anything tenuously connected to the wedding – and beyond – is documented on social media. Not theirs. Yours.

So how do you know you’re dealing with one?

When you discover your newsfeeds are choking with the following…

  • Engagement photo shoots
  • Pre-wedding photo shoots
  • Pre-wedding boudoir photo shoots
  • Morning-after photo shoot
  • Trash the Dress photo shoot
  • Constant stream of honeymoon updates to Twitter and Facebook through Instagram and Tumblr.
  • Facebook honeymoon photo albums divided into Day One, Day Two or other kinds of sub-category.

Other things Newlydreads like are…

  • Strict enforcement of an ‘unplugged’ wedding (where use of smartphones and all social media is banned so everyone can be ‘truly present’ in the moment)
  • A ‘no uploading of photos of the wedding before the bride’ rule
  • There will usually be a professionally attended photobooth at the wedding
  • Proper tagging (and systematic untagging) of guests’ pictures after they’re uploaded to social media – this could also include the use of a special hashtag (crikey O’Reilly, I had one of them at my wedding.. eek!)
  • Post-production work on honeymoon photos

This kind of image management is the kind of varsity level we would normally expect from a Kardashian.

So why is the Newlydread doing this, what are they getting out of it?

It goes beyond a simple acknowledgment, ‘like’ or retweet. Clogging your newsfeeds well after the I dos became the I dids is all about control.

Whether you were at the wedding or not, The Newlydread wants to influence when and how it will be documented and consumed… and what better way than through the image-driven platform of social media?

The only thing that will remedy this kind of villainous hijacking is time.

Time will slowly water down the social haemophilia from the Newlydread and they will eventually realise that even they have to knock it off at some point.

If this doesn’t seem to work – sit tight. Any current Newlydread will always be overthrown by the up-and-coming Newlydread.

There is, of course, another way of dealing with it.

If you don’t want to ‘unfriend’ them, there is a clever little button called ‘hide’.

It’s better than dragon glass.